Rethinking Negative Thinking

As I recall it, the first time I heard the phrase, “stinkin thinkin” I was with my eleven-year-old son at a therapy session. I can’t remember the problem he was having, but I thought support and guidance from a professional was in order.  When he rejoined me after his session, he shared the new term he’d learned.

And even though that little 11-year-old is now a 42-year-old man, we still as a family use the term “stinkin thinkin.”  Most of the time we use it in jest, knowing how corny it sounds.  But it’s become a family code to indicate the speaker might want to rethink their self-talk.

Self-talk.

Needless to say, if psychologists have identified negative self-talk, then there must also be a positive side to self-talk.  And btw, The National Science Foundation reports that 80% of our thoughts are negative, and 95 % of our thoughts are repetitive.  

Just to make certain we’re on the same page when we talk about negative self-talk, we’re talking about a pattern of negative thinking characterized by pessimism, a style of talk that’s self-defeating, and self-sabotaging.  It often manifests as our “inner critic” or inner dialogue that always has a comment or judgment to share. 

Simply put it’s not good and doesn’t feel good either.  But who among us has not heard our negative conversations?

I can remember just a couple of days ago, I was frantically getting ready for a date to meet a few women friends.  I’d changed my clothes at least twice and checked my hair and makeup more than that. 

As I was putting on a little lipstick, I looked straight into the mirror and stated to my reflection, “You look awful.”  With that cheery thought, I put on my jacket, picked up my purse and keys, checked the stove more times than was necessary, and dragged myself out of the house, feeling like a loser. 

That’s an example of the power of negative self-talk. 

Positive self-talk we all know and love.  It’s optimistic, flattering, hopeful, motivational, bright, cheerful, and confident.  "You’re great, your choices are great, and you’re on the path to greatness while wearing a great outfit."  That’s positive self-talk. 

Of course, we want to get better with the whole positive side of self-talk because people who study these things tell us positive self-talk:

reduces stress and anxiety

increases overall happiness

encourages healthy habits

decreases negativity and psychological symptoms

And we know this to be true. It’s all about more positive self-talk leading to happier life moments.

If life seems a little heavy right now and you think it just might be the ongoing conversation you’re having with yourself maybe this shortlist will help.      

LISTEN

To hear our self-talk, we must develop the ability to listen to our inner dialog.  It takes practice and commitment, but it’s possible.

According to Psych Central, you can practice listening to yourself by observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment.  If it all becomes a bit overwhelming, (especially at the beginning of this practice) try focusing on your breath to help the body relax.

Of course, there are other ways to tap into your thoughts.   Meditation, prayer, and deep breathing help.  As does restorative sleep and quiet, as well as living and working in organized spaces. Also, make certain you’ve communicated with your brain you want to hear your thoughts. 

For years I didn’t think I had a negative voice in my head.  I’m better able to hear the negative thoughts now and respond because I’ve developed better listening skills.  I hear my positive ones too.

REPLACE

We alluded to this under “LISTEN” but it’s worth repeating.  Look around your living space, your surroundings.  Be mindful of what you expose yourself to and try to surround yourself with order and positive influences. Replace negativity in your surroundings. 

SHARE

Talk with your friends and family if that feels helpful.  Sharing feelings with someone close can help you to reframe negative thoughts in a more positive light.

PERSPECTIVE

I’m a believer in rationalization.  When something seems all bad, I consciously look for the sliver of good.  This probably sounds Pollyanna-ish, and unrealistically optimistic, but I don’t think of it that way. 

There’s always more than one way to look at something and I look for a way to feel good.  At the end of the day, with both the good and the bad, it’s all about perspective. In other words, we’ve made it all up anyway, right?

A shorthand way of saying this is to practice shifting our focus from negative to positive.  It takes practice.

HABITS

Sometimes establishing new habits helps with negative self-talk.  For instance, you might want to take a closer look at self-talk through journaling, meditation, or for those of you who are spiritually inclined, prayer might do the trick.  And would it be a TwoWomen blog without mentioning exercise?  You might want to add more of it to your habit list to aid in losing negative thinking. 

I don’t know if we can completely eradicate negative self-talk but, for sure, we can diminish it.

It’s a real quality-of-life issue, so the effort is well worth it.